It's almost 3am here. I can't seem to fall asleep tonight.
I tried to convince myself that is because I am being cheap, it's just too hot to sleep without the AC. However, I know there are just way too many things bothering me right now that are keeping me from sleeping. Just one of those nights where I over think so much that as soon as I close my eyes, I think even more.
Life is not easy when there isn't much moral support. I have been trying hard to stay strong for myself, for my bf and for my dad. I am just living day by day asking myself what's in life that will make me happy now. Before, I would link happiness with shopping and food. Now, nothing seem to make me happy. Maybe work does. I feel content at the end of the day after work, accomplishing a lot. Often I would feel proud of myself for not buying things I want (but don't need). I would also feel satisfied when my home is tidied and cleaned well. But I don't feel happy. Most of the time, I am anxious and bothered, and I don't know how to feel the opposite.
I really don't want to drain myself to the point where I need medication to sleep. If this is all just a dream, please let me wake up soon. Life really suck at the moment.
September 28, 2014
September 21, 2014
Fear
What do you fear most in life?
I grew up with a lot of fear. Someone once told me, you should never have someone fear you but have someone respect you then they will take your advice to heart.
I wouldn't say I am the best daughter, indeed, I have just became the worst daughter. But I wasn't the most rebellious girl in my teens. I always try to keep myself inline so I don't get into trouble. I just think being adventurous and doing things my way will probably cause too much explanation and chaos at home. I rather listen. As I grew older, there was one incident where I felt I had to express myself and stood my grounds. Our relationship was wounded for the first time. After that, we talked and I understood how I was hurting her. I still remember what she said. However, after that, I hardly mention that incident again. Not mentioning it does not mean I have forgotten about it. It's just I moved on and believe we shouldn't let it haunt us again.
From time to time, I was reminded of my mistake and it was believed that I would go through the same path again. The feeling of not getting trusted somewhat tells me that no matter what I do to prove myself right, I will never be trusted anymore. My effort was not recognised. I would be told that I am not considerate, not thoughtful, selfish and shallow; I don't deserve what I have now. People around me don't love for who I am, but for the things I was provided with. It makes me think about my reason here on earth. I am not aiming to change the world but at least make a difference in somebody's life.
I would always try my best to filter my words or plan ahead to avoid arguments. I was always living under fear. There are many things I want to do, but to avoid chaos, I would rather not do them. I understand that when argument starts, I would say very hurtful words too. There is a part of me that's very angry inside. I hate that part of me but it's becoming more empowering.
I am not trying to blame my sorrow on anyone. in fact, the life I am living now is probably a dream life for someone out there. I am sheltered and well fed. I am more than blessed to have a life like this. But, inside, I am hollow. She is the most important person to me. If I could do anything to make her realise that I only want to live my life my way and I never meant to hurt her, I would. Reflecting back, I could have tried harder to express myself when I was young. Perhaps things will not lead to what it is now.
I don't know what can be done to fix this relationship. I still fear when I press that "Send" button when I message her - fear something might trigger her and I would be yelled at again. I wish I know what to do from the beginning to avoid all these. Of course, I am saying all these in my shoes. My point of argument would be be against her; I have tried to be as rational as possible in this situation. Trying to analysed what can be done to fix this. However, with her hating me so much, there is very little I can do now. I hope time can heal the wound for both of us. Because after all this, I still love her very very much. No one can neglect the things she has done for me over the years as a mother, and the perfectionist she is.
I grew up with a lot of fear. Someone once told me, you should never have someone fear you but have someone respect you then they will take your advice to heart.
I wouldn't say I am the best daughter, indeed, I have just became the worst daughter. But I wasn't the most rebellious girl in my teens. I always try to keep myself inline so I don't get into trouble. I just think being adventurous and doing things my way will probably cause too much explanation and chaos at home. I rather listen. As I grew older, there was one incident where I felt I had to express myself and stood my grounds. Our relationship was wounded for the first time. After that, we talked and I understood how I was hurting her. I still remember what she said. However, after that, I hardly mention that incident again. Not mentioning it does not mean I have forgotten about it. It's just I moved on and believe we shouldn't let it haunt us again.
From time to time, I was reminded of my mistake and it was believed that I would go through the same path again. The feeling of not getting trusted somewhat tells me that no matter what I do to prove myself right, I will never be trusted anymore. My effort was not recognised. I would be told that I am not considerate, not thoughtful, selfish and shallow; I don't deserve what I have now. People around me don't love for who I am, but for the things I was provided with. It makes me think about my reason here on earth. I am not aiming to change the world but at least make a difference in somebody's life.
I would always try my best to filter my words or plan ahead to avoid arguments. I was always living under fear. There are many things I want to do, but to avoid chaos, I would rather not do them. I understand that when argument starts, I would say very hurtful words too. There is a part of me that's very angry inside. I hate that part of me but it's becoming more empowering.
I am not trying to blame my sorrow on anyone. in fact, the life I am living now is probably a dream life for someone out there. I am sheltered and well fed. I am more than blessed to have a life like this. But, inside, I am hollow. She is the most important person to me. If I could do anything to make her realise that I only want to live my life my way and I never meant to hurt her, I would. Reflecting back, I could have tried harder to express myself when I was young. Perhaps things will not lead to what it is now.
I don't know what can be done to fix this relationship. I still fear when I press that "Send" button when I message her - fear something might trigger her and I would be yelled at again. I wish I know what to do from the beginning to avoid all these. Of course, I am saying all these in my shoes. My point of argument would be be against her; I have tried to be as rational as possible in this situation. Trying to analysed what can be done to fix this. However, with her hating me so much, there is very little I can do now. I hope time can heal the wound for both of us. Because after all this, I still love her very very much. No one can neglect the things she has done for me over the years as a mother, and the perfectionist she is.
August 16, 2014
June 29, 2014
A night with food
It's a sunday today, the first Sunday after I quitted my last job. Everything happened so quickly. I was short noticed for almost a month. Started the new job right that Monday after. I was exhausted but at the same time, it was nice because I did not have to think about anything else. I was too tired to care. No wonder why people say work could numb a person. Yesterday, I was running here and there doing errands. I had a lot to do, so again, I did not have anytime to think.
Today, I was mostly just sitting in bed thinking about what happened in the last few weeks. This is probably the first time that I sat down and think about it. It seems like everything is falling into places, but I still have this feeling at the back of my mind. I don't feel happy. I don't feel good. I am sure it's not the financial issue, it's not about whether Herman loves me or not. I know I ought to do this for myself; if not, one day I will just break down completely and God knows what I would do. I was anxious all the time. Even though I am at peace now, I am not happy. Was I ever happy?
In the midst of drowning myself with sorrow, I decided to watch a movie: Julie & Julia. Two women who are so passionate about their cooking, their lives and everything around them. After a little session with Julie & Julia, my meatballs and mashed potato, I feel a tiny little bit better. Food is always comforting, yet I have been lacking appetit for anything else other than pasta or potato or skewers. Weird.
Anyways, it's 9:30 on Sunday night. A rainy night all to myself. and Life must go on....
Today, I was mostly just sitting in bed thinking about what happened in the last few weeks. This is probably the first time that I sat down and think about it. It seems like everything is falling into places, but I still have this feeling at the back of my mind. I don't feel happy. I don't feel good. I am sure it's not the financial issue, it's not about whether Herman loves me or not. I know I ought to do this for myself; if not, one day I will just break down completely and God knows what I would do. I was anxious all the time. Even though I am at peace now, I am not happy. Was I ever happy?
In the midst of drowning myself with sorrow, I decided to watch a movie: Julie & Julia. Two women who are so passionate about their cooking, their lives and everything around them. After a little session with Julie & Julia, my meatballs and mashed potato, I feel a tiny little bit better. Food is always comforting, yet I have been lacking appetit for anything else other than pasta or potato or skewers. Weird.
Anyways, it's 9:30 on Sunday night. A rainy night all to myself. and Life must go on....
June 13, 2014
May 29, 2014
regret
I don't know if I have ever talked about my regret about my feather tattoo on my back. Anyhow, I always think it looks like a freaking banana, but I didn't know what to get to cover it up with. After 2 years of consideration, I have came to a conclusion that I want a rose with a lace bow underneath it. My appointment day is just 5 days away. I am super anxious. I don't know if I should really go ahead with this project since it's permanent. AND the tattoo is more visible since it's now in colour and it's a tiny little bit bigger. I don't want it to become my second regret. But I have done tons of research on this and I have faith in my tattoo artist that he is going to make it right for me.
Sorry mom. Don't kill me for getting a cover up. I really hated my old tattoo. It's time to move on.
Sorry mom. Don't kill me for getting a cover up. I really hated my old tattoo. It's time to move on.
May 08, 2014
What is true happiness?
What is true happiness? I am still in search for that answer. I am so sad to say that I don't think I have experienced true happiness in my life before. I have always been an up-tight, stressed out kid. My mom is a super strict chinese mom, one can imagine how much stress they put on their child. Not to mention, I am an only child; I have all the attention I (don't) need. Being a chinese kid, most of my childhood decisions are made already by my parents. Honestly, I think they have done a great job. I didn't turn into a drug addict or started living out on the street when I was 14. Most of the time, I get what I want. However, something is always lacking. There is always a lot of disagreement in the house. Perhaps a part of me didn't want to be controlled. And perhaps, I am so used to being controlled, I no longer know how to make my decisions. As I grow older, I would be criticized for making the wrong decisions, choosing the wrong career path, finding the wrong guy, and even moving back to HK was considered a bad choice. More disagreements within the house. The more yelling, the more I want to run away. I only needed peace within but I can never have that. I have a lot of inner struggles. I am always afraid I would say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, make the wrong choice and then get yelled at. Sure, I get a lot of materialistic things. Most of them, I get when I am sad. Is this what they say about a shoapaholic that they have minor mental disorders? I don't know about me and mental illness. I just wish all the chaos to stop.
I have foreseen arguments happening during the wedding planning stage. I didn't expect this one to come. I haven't even plan my wedding yet, and more yelling aroused already. Yes, my fiance might not be the most capable, most well rounded person out there. He really means no harm to anyone. If she accuses me for finding the wrong guy, I don't think I found the wrong guy. He understands me more than anyone in the world. Maybe she does not believe in soulmates or true love. I fuckin' do! I find my inner peace when he is around. And to say I am worthless and unattractive and that he is after my money/citizenship/whatever, this is the most hurtful thing I ever heard from anyone.
Can someone please help me?
March 13, 2014
RIP grandma
I miss you, Grandma. I hope you are doing well in Heaven. I am sure God is watching over you. You will no longer feel pain; there will never be hatred or jealousy in Heaven. Please bless mom. Make her strong, make her have peace. She is really upset about you leaving us. I have never seen her like this before. It hurts my heart.
March 02, 2014
Moving forward
I have been avoiding korean drama and korean music for the past two or three years. They remind me of someone that I was trying to forget. As time goes on, I began to think about other things.
As quoted in Dramabean, a recap of the finale of You From Another Star, "Se-mi tells her that right now her every thought is of him, and that it’s harder to not think of him. But somewhere down the line, she’ll think of him out of the blue, and realize that she’d been thinking of something else. That’s when it’ll stop hurting, because she’ll be able to think of other things."
I am glad that somehow, I am able to move on.
On another note, the Adam couple has made a duet together in Ga-in's recent EP. =)
January 24, 2014
what to do?
Too many downs lately. Please tell me what to do to rectify the situation. I already know that 2014 is not going to be easy. I hope by the year ends, the rainbow is going to come out.
January 14, 2014
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