Fear

What do you fear most in life?

I grew up with a lot of fear. Someone once told me, you should never have someone fear you but have someone respect you then they will take your advice to heart.

I wouldn't say I am the best daughter, indeed, I have just became the worst daughter. But I wasn't the most rebellious girl in my teens. I always try to keep myself inline so I don't get into trouble. I just think being adventurous and doing things my way will probably cause too much explanation and chaos at home. I rather listen. As I grew older, there was one incident where I felt I had to express myself and stood my grounds. Our relationship was wounded for the first time. After that, we talked and I understood how I was hurting her. I still remember what she said. However, after that, I hardly mention that incident again. Not mentioning it does not mean I have forgotten about it. It's just I moved on and believe we shouldn't let it haunt us again.

From time to time, I was reminded of my mistake and it was believed that I would go through the same path again. The feeling of not getting trusted somewhat tells me that no matter what I do to prove myself right, I will never be trusted anymore. My effort was not recognised. I would be told that I am not considerate, not thoughtful, selfish and shallow; I don't deserve what I have now. People around me don't love for who I am, but for the things I was provided with. It makes me think about my reason here on earth. I am not aiming to change the world but at least make a difference in somebody's life.

I would always try my best to filter my words or plan ahead to avoid arguments. I was always living under fear. There are many things I want to do, but to avoid chaos, I would rather not do them. I understand that when argument starts, I would say very hurtful words too. There is a part of me that's very angry inside. I hate that part of me but it's becoming more empowering.

I am not trying to blame my sorrow on anyone. in fact, the life I am living now is probably a dream life for someone out there. I am sheltered and well fed. I am more than blessed to have a life like this. But, inside, I am hollow. She is the most important person to me. If I could do anything to make her realise that I only want to live my life my way and I never meant to hurt her, I would. Reflecting back, I could have tried harder to express myself when I was young. Perhaps things will not lead to what it is now.

I don't know what can be done to fix this relationship. I still fear when I press that "Send" button when I message her - fear something might trigger her and I would be yelled at again. I wish I know what to do from the beginning to avoid all these. Of course, I am saying all these in my shoes. My point of argument would be be against her; I have tried to be as rational as possible in this situation. Trying to analysed what can be done to fix this. However, with her hating me so much, there is very little I can do now. I hope time can heal the wound for both of us. Because after all this, I still love her very very much. No one can neglect the things she has done for me over the years as a mother, and the perfectionist she is.