May 08, 2014

What is true happiness?

What is true happiness? I am still in search for that answer. I am so sad to say that I don't think I have experienced true happiness in my life before. I have always been an up-tight, stressed out kid. My mom is a super strict chinese mom, one can imagine how much stress they put on their child. Not to mention, I am an only child; I have all the attention I (don't) need. Being a chinese kid, most of my childhood decisions are made already by my parents. Honestly, I think they have done a great job. I didn't turn into a drug addict or started living out on the street when I was 14. Most of the time, I get what I want. However, something is always lacking. There is always a lot of disagreement in the house. Perhaps a part of me didn't want to be controlled. And perhaps, I am so used to being controlled, I no longer know how to make my decisions. As I grow older, I would be criticized for making the wrong decisions, choosing the wrong career path, finding the wrong guy, and even moving back to HK was considered a bad choice. More disagreements within the house. The more yelling, the more I want to run away. I only needed peace within but I can never have that. I have a lot of inner struggles. I am always afraid I would say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, make the wrong choice and then get yelled at. Sure, I get a lot of materialistic things. Most of them, I get when I am sad. Is this what they say about a shoapaholic that they have minor mental disorders? I don't know about me and mental illness. I just wish all the chaos to stop. I have foreseen arguments happening during the wedding planning stage. I didn't expect this one to come. I haven't even plan my wedding yet, and more yelling aroused already. Yes, my fiance might not be the most capable, most well rounded person out there. He really means no harm to anyone. If she accuses me for finding the wrong guy, I don't think I found the wrong guy. He understands me more than anyone in the world. Maybe she does not believe in soulmates or true love. I fuckin' do! I find my inner peace when he is around. And to say I am worthless and unattractive and that he is after my money/citizenship/whatever, this is the most hurtful thing I ever heard from anyone. Can someone please help me?

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