I am never able to find the right outlet for my negativity in the past few years. When I was young, it was venting through blogging. I was able to do that because it was easy. Feelings were simple. They were describable with words. Now that I am 33, it’s not the same anymore. I feel like time is passing way too fast, and I haven’t been doing a lot that would considered as me living my life fully. More than half of my life, I was living in people’s shadow and following people’s footsteps. A lot of things I wanted to do, I was guilt trapped into not doing them. When we were young, we cry when we get upset, when we get hurt, when we are hungry. Now, I cry because my heart aches, because my heart weakens when I ponder about the past, because my heart sinks when I think about my future, because my heart feels heavy when there are way too many mixed emotions for me to handle. I don’t know what I need to do. I feel like no one understands what I am going through. Sometimes I feel like I am alone, forever trapped in my own misery.

Insomia

It's almost 3am here. I can't seem to fall asleep tonight.
I tried to convince myself that is because I am being cheap, it's just too hot to sleep without the AC. However, I know there are just way too many things bothering me right now that are keeping me from sleeping. Just one of those nights where I over think so much that as soon as I close my eyes, I think even more.
Life is not easy when there isn't much moral support. I have been trying hard to stay strong for myself, for my bf and for my dad. I am just living day by day asking myself what's in life that will make me happy now. Before, I would link happiness with shopping and food. Now, nothing seem to make me happy. Maybe work does. I feel content at the end of the day after work, accomplishing a lot. Often I would feel proud of myself for not buying things I want (but don't need). I would also feel satisfied when my home is tidied and cleaned well. But I don't feel happy. Most of the time, I am anxious and bothered, and I don't know how to feel the opposite.
I really don't want to drain myself to the point where I need medication to sleep. If this is all just a dream, please let me wake up soon. Life really suck at the moment.

Fear

What do you fear most in life?

I grew up with a lot of fear. Someone once told me, you should never have someone fear you but have someone respect you then they will take your advice to heart.

I wouldn't say I am the best daughter, indeed, I have just became the worst daughter. But I wasn't the most rebellious girl in my teens. I always try to keep myself inline so I don't get into trouble. I just think being adventurous and doing things my way will probably cause too much explanation and chaos at home. I rather listen. As I grew older, there was one incident where I felt I had to express myself and stood my grounds. Our relationship was wounded for the first time. After that, we talked and I understood how I was hurting her. I still remember what she said. However, after that, I hardly mention that incident again. Not mentioning it does not mean I have forgotten about it. It's just I moved on and believe we shouldn't let it haunt us again.

From time to time, I was reminded of my mistake and it was believed that I would go through the same path again. The feeling of not getting trusted somewhat tells me that no matter what I do to prove myself right, I will never be trusted anymore. My effort was not recognised. I would be told that I am not considerate, not thoughtful, selfish and shallow; I don't deserve what I have now. People around me don't love for who I am, but for the things I was provided with. It makes me think about my reason here on earth. I am not aiming to change the world but at least make a difference in somebody's life.

I would always try my best to filter my words or plan ahead to avoid arguments. I was always living under fear. There are many things I want to do, but to avoid chaos, I would rather not do them. I understand that when argument starts, I would say very hurtful words too. There is a part of me that's very angry inside. I hate that part of me but it's becoming more empowering.

I am not trying to blame my sorrow on anyone. in fact, the life I am living now is probably a dream life for someone out there. I am sheltered and well fed. I am more than blessed to have a life like this. But, inside, I am hollow. She is the most important person to me. If I could do anything to make her realise that I only want to live my life my way and I never meant to hurt her, I would. Reflecting back, I could have tried harder to express myself when I was young. Perhaps things will not lead to what it is now.

I don't know what can be done to fix this relationship. I still fear when I press that "Send" button when I message her - fear something might trigger her and I would be yelled at again. I wish I know what to do from the beginning to avoid all these. Of course, I am saying all these in my shoes. My point of argument would be be against her; I have tried to be as rational as possible in this situation. Trying to analysed what can be done to fix this. However, with her hating me so much, there is very little I can do now. I hope time can heal the wound for both of us. Because after all this, I still love her very very much. No one can neglect the things she has done for me over the years as a mother, and the perfectionist she is.